The Exposition

Act 1, Scene 1

Play opens to a dark stage. Lights (yellow) are slowly turned up to mid-strength, revealing Baron Sticky Wicket and Dutch Vader in tableau. Baron Sticky Wicket is a pompous middle-aged man, dressed in a top hat and a cloak. He speaks with a received BBC accent. Dutch Vader looks much like Darth Vader, but wears wooden clogs and a white Dutch hat. They are stood in the drawing room of the SS Dreadful, frozen in the middle of a heated discussion.
They begin to move.

Baron Sticky Wicket: (Irritated) Listen, ol’ chap, I hear you, but that doesn’t change anything. I don’t care what the Minstrel calls it, every Fafnirday finds us frolicking about in a circle like a bunch of pansies, and I can’t take it anymore! (Darkly) By George, even I’m not that secure in my masculinity.
Dutch Vader: (Serious) But, sir, pink suits you.
Baron Sticky Wicket: (Darkly) There are some things, Dutch, that man should never need know. How well he carries off pink is one of them.
Dutch Vader: Well-

He is stopped by the ringing of a small bell. Baron Sticky Wicket and Dutch Vader turn to see Mrs. Vandertramp enter from stage left, pushing a meal trolley, laden with covered dishes. She is a maid on the SS Dreadful, works mostly in the kitchen. She is smiling to herself and completely oblivious to the scene she has just interrupted.

Mrs. Vandertramp: (Muttering, almost speaking to herself) Tea’s up! We’ve got a lovely spread for you lucky boys today. Wheels her trolley to centre stage, between Baron Sticky Wicket and Dutch Vader. She eyes them both critically then tut-tuts, shaking her head sadly. Look at you both, much too thin! I simply must get some food into you two. Growing boys like you need all the strength they can get. She begins uncovering the dishes. Mmm... Now doesn’t that smell good! Be good and eat up now, dearies! If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding!
Baron Sticky Wicket: Stalks over to the trolley, scowling. He inspects the food then sighs dejectedly. (To Dutch Vader) Dutch, do you know what I would give right now for a no-frills, nutritious but surprisingly delicious, egg salad sandwich on whole -

Mrs. Vandertramp gasps and Dutch Vader cuts him off with a sudden gesture.

Dutch Vader: (Whispers) Heresy. (Quietly but menacingly) Thou shalt not eat wheat.
Baron Sticky Wicket: (Tired) Look, you, all I’m asking for is a no-frills, nutritious but surprisingly delicious, egg salad sandwich on whole -
Dutch Vader: Sir! (Hisses) Thou shalt not eat wheat! (Normally) The Prancing Minstrel has spoken!
Baron Sticky Wicket: I don’t care what some bleeding-heart sod in a pink dress says I can and can’t eat. Gives the trolley a rough shove. I’m through with the whole lot of you! If I want wheat, I’ll have wheat! I am your Baron and I want a sandwich! I demand a sandwich! Why is that so hard?
Mrs. Vandertramp: (Terrified whisper) But, thou shalt not eat -
Baron Sticky Wicket: (To Mrs. Vandertramp) Excuse me, but are you a Baron? No? (Gesturing at Dutch Vader) Is he a Baron? No! I am Baron! (Suddenly calm) Do you know what Baron means? Baron means (shouts) give the man a sandwich!
Dutch Vader: (Cautiously) Sir, I don’t think that’s what Baron means -
Baron Sticky Wicket: (Grabs Dutch Vader by the shoulders and shakes him) Silence! I say what I mean and I mean what I say! (Pauses and drops Dutch Vader) Now listen very carefully, because I’m not going to say it again. (Very slowly and deliberately) I am your Baron. (Barking, military style) If I say ‘Jump!’ you say ‘What colour?’! I say ‘Make me a sandwich!’, you say?
Dutch Vader: How high?
Baron Sticky Wicket: (Practically screaming) No! You will make me a bloody sandwich with egg and salad and lettuce and tomatoes! On whole wheat with as many grains as you can get your goddamned hands on!
Dutch Vader: (Very quietly) But sir, the Prancing Minstrel decreed-
Baron Sticky Wicket: Gets right in Dutch Vader’s face, poking him in the chest. (Slowly and menacingly) You know what you can do with your Prancing Minstrel? You can take your Prancing Minstrel and stick him -

Lights flicker on and off rapidly with alternating flashes of red, blue and green for a few seconds before being extinguished completely.

Mrs. Vandertramp: (Completely nonplussed) Oh dearie me, looks like that silly time machine is on the fritz again.

The lights come back on. Alphonso and Archie are now stood in the foreground. Alphonso is a stereotypical Italian chef. He is holding a lasagne and is humming the jeopardy music. Archie is Alphonso’s German apprentice. He is still clutching the recipe book.

Mrs. Vandertramp: Oblivious to the newcomers, she carries on fluidly. I keep telling them, but do they ever listen? No, nobody ever listens to little old... (Peters out) Well don’t you worry boys, this looks like a job for Grammie. I’ll just head right up there and give those no-good weasels a piece of my mind. Everything’ll be alright in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Don’t go anywhere. Collects her trolley and exits stage left.

Baron Sticky Wicket and Dutch Vader are left staring dumbfounded at Alphonso and Archie, who do not appear to have noticed they are no longer in a kitchen.

Baron Sticky Wicket: (After a short pause) Time machine?
Dutch Vader: Package deal. Comes standard with the pool.
Alphonso: Suddenly stops humming and sniffs purposefully at the lasagne, seemingly lost in thought. (Cries out suddenly) Oregano!
Archie: Oregano! He turns and reaches for a spice rack that is no longer there. He gasps and his eyes widen slowly as he takes in his new surroundings.
Alphonso: Mama mia! Do I have to do everything around here? (To Archie) You lazy bum, where is my oregano?
Archie: Is completely dumbstruck, incapable of forming comprehensible words. Mmmah... Murg... Argh! He drops the recipe book and gestures frantically.
Alphonso: (Worried) What is it my boy? Slowly, his surroundings seem to sink in, and he drops to his knees, gently laying the lasagne down on the floor in front of him. (Whispers) Where is my spice rack?
Archie: Nods violently, then sinks to the floor beside his mentor.
Alphonso: (Still whispering) No, it cannot be! He gestures at the lasagne in front of him. (Dramatically) This pasta was to be my masterpiece! The sauce was the perfect, tender red texture; the cheese stretchy but not stringy; pasta browned but not brittle, soft but not soggy! The herbs were chopped to the perfect portions, just enough mushroom taste but no texture, parsley to garnish without being garish. (Sobs) I will never, in my life, see another lasagne as fine as this!
Archie: Where in the world has our spice rack gone? Where in time is Carmen Santiago? (Pauses) I mean, cardamom and saffron? (Sobs) Nutmeg? Allspice? Cumin? Why have you forsaken me?
Baron Sticky Wicket: (To Dutch Vader) Who are these people?
Dutch Vader: Time travellers?
Baron Sticky Wicket: Well, never mind that, whomever they are, they are intruders on my ship, and I must protest! He storms over to Alphonso. (Loudly, in a commanding voice) Excuse me!

Both Alphonso and Archie continue to sob, unresponsive.

Damn, I feel useless now...

Phemonix wrote:

Damn, I feel useless now...

*visualises Phemonix feeling useless by staring at his avatar*

Ummmm ouch?

Phemonix wrote:

Ummmm ouch?

Whaat? Your avatar looks depressed to hell and back. XD It fits.



Hmm. What to do with this attendant then. It's so hard not to think about killing off random people. >.< I'm so used to slaughtering without remorse when I write. XD

Baron sticky wicket could use english frases, here and there, likr ol'chap, but not actually be english. I don't know if he is or not, but he really seems to be. I'm saying maby tone down the english accent a bit, but through in the frases every so ofton.

I'm off sick, so here's tyhe rest of the exposition.

Baron Sticky Wicket: I say, excuse me!
Alphonso: What did you?! My spice rack..it’s gone!
Baron Sticky Wicket: Never mind that. Takes a whiff. What’s in the pot you are holding there? Tries to get closer to the pot.
Alphonso: What are you doing? Grabs spoon from Archie and whacks Baron on the head with it.
Baron Sticky Wicket: Hey!
Alphonso: You do not touch my pasta! Look at this pasta! Look at it! It is a shameful. It lacks in oregano. If I do not get some oregano soon for this pasta, I will have no choice but to take my life because of this utter shame. Why is my oregano gone?
Baron Sticky Wicket: What if I could get you oregano?
Dutch Vader: Where are you going to get oregano?
Baron Sticky Wicket: on planet Vaticeen, of course. Where else?
Dutch Vader: Vaticeen? The planet of Princess Telmissa? We’re going there? Starts fixing his hair and fixing his clothing. How do I look? Do I like okay? How’s my mask? Is it on straight?
Alphonso: You can get me oregano?
Baron Sticky Wicket: Well, that depends. What’s in it for me?
Alphonso: Only the most greatest, most wonderful pasta in all the world!
Baron Sticky Wicket: Sold! Dutch, go set a course for Vaticeen! We shall arrive there in the hour!
Dutch Vader: Well...whatever you say sir... Exits the scene, murmuring to himself.
Mrs. Vandertramp arrives to the scene with a sandwich in her hand.
Mrs. Vandertramp: Sir, here is your sandwich. The cook didn’t want to do it, but I told him it was for you. Nothing is too much for my boys. Here now, eat up. Tries to give Baron the sandwich.
Baron Sticky Wicket: Sandwich? Are you crazy woman? Why would I want a sandwich when I can have pasta? I will only pasta now, from here on now. Take it away. Introduce these fine gentlemen to the kitchen. There will only be pasta from now on.
Mrs. Vandertramp: But sir, the Prancing Minstrel stated that...
Baron Sticky Wicket: Forget about the Minstrel. We are no longer worshippers of the Fantastical Dance of the Prancing Minstrel. It’s all about the pasta now.
Alphonso: Aaah, we can call it...Pastafarianism, hmm?

Scene 2: Lights have gone out and come back on. The scene now takes place in Princess Telmissa’s palace. She is cataloging her spices.
Telmissa: Oregano..oregano..oregano..more oregano..
Suddenly, the lights begin to flicker. The sound of clanking and banging is heard.
Telmissa: Oh my! What in the name of oregano is going on?!
The door to Telmissa’s spice room falls over. Stepping in is Baron Stickiwicket, Dutch Vader, Alphonso and Archie.
Baron Stickiwicket: We’ve come for you Telmissa, high priestess of the Fantastical Dance of the Prancing Minstrel and keeper of Oregano. (steps forward, holds out hand) Now, be a good girl and don’t fight your impending doom.
Dutch Vader: (hides behind Baron Stickiwicket and waves shyly at Telmissa) H-hi! (giggles like a school girl)
Telmissa: (stands up but remains motionless) How dare you break into my spice room! Do you know who I am?! I am Princess Telmissa and if you don’t leave right now I’ll call my daddy!
Baron Stickiwicket: Ha! (waves hand dismissively, laughing) You must be kidding. Your pink dress wearing father cannot stop us from collecting what we desire.
Meanwhile Alphonso and Archie wander around the room, looking at the spices.
Baron Stickiwicket: Now, I will not repeat-
Archie: Ma ma mia?! What kind of spice rack is this?! This is not a spice rack this is an Oregano nightmare!
Alphonso: But we needed Oregano for our lasagne.
Archie: But- but- this spice rack –
Alphonso: Oh, quiet. Now help me with this lasagna. Alphonso goes to the spice rack and grabs as much Oregano as he can
Telmissa: Hey! How dare you take my spices!
Alponso: Gasps. Oven! I need an oven! Archie, follow me and help me find an oven!
Alphonso and Archie leave the room in search for an oven. Baron Sticky Wicket turns to Telmissa with a domineering glare.
Baron Sticky Wicket: Well, now that we have conquered the source of the oregano and attained it, I now claim this castle as my own. I am taking over! This planet is mine now, Princess. Your daddy can’t help you.
Telmissa: No! You can’t do this.
Baron: What? Of course I can! I am Baron! Now that I have claimed this kingdom as my own, I must go and measure these windows outside for drapes. Dutch, keep an eye on her.
Dutch: Me? Oh- why of course!
Baron leaves the room leaving Dutch Vader and Princess Telmissa on their own in the room. Telmissa is shooting him annoyed glances, but Dutch is clearly nervous in her presence, but trying to keep his cool.
Dutch Vader: Chuckles nervously. So...
Telmissa: Clearly not impressed. So...
Dutch Vader: So... where’s Rocket Rhino?
Telmissa: Gasps. Oh no! You’re not going to hurt my Rocket Rhino, are you? He’s my only pet! I love him so much! He’s my only childhood friend who didn’t get executed.
Dutch Vader: What? No, no, no, it’s okay! We’re not going to hurt Rocket Rhino. I was just trying to make conversation.
Telmissa: Blinks. Oh.
Dutch Vader: Yeah...
Telmissa: Yeah...
Dutch Vader: So...do you...want to hold hands?
Telmissa: No.