Jesus is Back, and he’s a Jerk!
November 6 2010,
By Jarred NewboldWASHINGTON – A routine morning for a 70-year-old devoted Catholic, Gertrude Williams, was interrupted when she saw the son of God. That’s right, Jesus Christ has come back to life, without telling anyone. It seems that he had come to life back in 1984 and refused to say that he had come back.
“I was doing my daily prayers, for any chance of visits from my family. Suddenly he walked past my window,” explained Williams, “I rushed outside and asked him if he was Jesus. When he said yes, I asked him why he didn’t answer my prayers. He seemed to grow annoyed and told me to piss off and solve my own problems. I tried to scold him for being such a rude young man; he accused me of being to lazy to help myself.”
When asked to describe Jesus, Williams described him as a long haired, bearded man, “like those terrorists you see on T.V.”. When asked if this was how she expected him, she quickly denied it, responding, “I expected him to be clean-shaven, short hair, blue eyes and white.”
It’s true; apparently the son of God is a jerk. He has been found smoking marijuana, gambling on street corners, drinking alcohol, having sex with reported prostitutes (especially ones named Mary) and worst of all; he voted Democrat. He had voted against George “Dubya” Bush during the 2000 election and voted for President Obama. During the 2004 election he abstained from voting claiming, “There is no choice in a two party system. It’s between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.”
When asked why he and his father supported Bush in the invasion, he replied, “We didn’t support him or his war. Stop believing everything that has our name attached to it.” He quickly denied supporting things like the war in Iran and Vietnam. He also became quick to deny any deals with the devil made by Haiti, or that the Rapture will happen anytime soon.
Jesus stated that he comes back to earth every couple of decades to hang out and party stating, “In Heaven I’m supposed to be proper and formal. Here I can just relax and hang out. I mean I didn’t expect to be found, you all seem to be fine with screwing with each other and using my name to do it.”
Jesus has been arrested and placed in Guantanamo Bay, with a trial not expected for several years. It is expected he will be declared guilty and crucified to learn his lesson.
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