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 The Gypsy, the Plush Cat and the Bar of Dove Soap

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Natoxi
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PostSubject: The Gypsy, the Plush Cat and the Bar of Dove Soap   Tue Nov 09, 2010 11:22 am

"Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset-" A young woman sat in a wagon, manipulating a thin black object. Her emerald eyes were fixated on this new object. Her slim fingered manipulated it with such child like innocence. Her eyes sooned veered up as her attention was grabbed.

"Would you stop using the flash light as a weapon of mass destruction?! My eyes are burning!" The voice seemed to come from no where. However, the voice did sound rather angry.

"Well blame me for enjoying all the gifts you brought to me." The female dusted her ragged clothes after setting down what the voice called a flash light. She crawled along the wood of the wagon, grabbing something else. It was very soft compared to her dry, tanned skin. It had two button eyes and pointed ears. It was simply astounding as she shook it about.

"HEY! CUT IT OUT! I DON'T LIKE HAVING MY BRAINS SHOOK FROM ME!" The plush cat suddenly came to life, smacking her hands in attempt to break free.

"Oh right, I'm sorry." She stuck out her tongue and set the cat down. She snickered, not showing any signs of true remorse for giving the plush such a stir.

"Yeah huh, what I gave you." The cat grumbled and dusted itself off, standing on its two legs like any human would. It began pacing about the wagon, looking for some rather important to it.

The female paid no attention to him. Her eyes wandered to other objects that laid scattered on the wagon floor. "Okay, so what does this one do?" She picked up a duck. It was a dead duck and really soft. When she squeezed it, it squeaked with delight. "Is it a masochist?" She asked, showing the plush cat the rubber duck. "It sounds so happy when I squeeze him. Doesn't it hurt him?" She was just full of questions.

The cat looked at it before shrugging it off. "I don't know. I never got along with ducks unless I had to eat them." He rubbed his soft stomach gently, making a rather sad face. "What I would do for some orange duck."

"Orange duck?" The female stared at the cat, confused.

"Yeah, it's something I like to eat. Ya wanna fight 'bout it?" The plush raised his fist, shaking it.

"No, I rather not." The female went back to her search. There were just so many things to look at. There were red things, blue things, small things, large things, some things that were probably not even considered things. This plush cat seemed to hoard them all.

The plush cat picked up a large piece of paper, studying it carefully. "Alright so I must have made a wrong turn to end up here...in a wagon...with a smelly girl..." He looked up from his map, watching the female laugh at something else she found. He grumbled and hid behind the map. He was trying to track where he went wrong. He needed to get back to his home. He missed the little plush planet he called his own.

"What's this? It's slippery when I spit on it!" The female chirrped, the beads on her waist jingling as she moved.

The cat sighed and looked up from his paper. "That is what we call soap. We use it to become unsmelly." The plush announced, setting the paper down. "If you put water on it and scrub it against your skin it'll make you smell nice. Dove has the nicest smelling shampoo in the galaxy!" He hugged himself, remembering the last time he had taken a rinse from a washer. It was so magical being spot cleaned!

"Are you saying I smell bad?" The female glared at him, about to toss the bar of Dove soap at him.

The cat gave her a rather serious face. "Yes, you smell absolutely terrible." His tone was very cold.

The female sniffled, softly begging to sob. "Is this why men do not want to be with me?!" She cried.

The cat covered his ears and continued to give her a rather serious face. "Well besides you smell they might not like you because you steal their money and run off to other men and-" And a bar of dove soap collided with his face. He toppled over, quickly stumbling to his feet. "HEY! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" The plush cat began to flail.

The female smirked, standing up in the wagon. "You better be nice to me or I'll steal all your stuff!" She announced.

"You already stole my stuff. You can't have my stuffing though." He replied, unafraid of the girl. Sure she was much taller than his 8 inch body but he still had the upper hand. He had things, and knowledge; she had neither.

The female growled, bitting her bottom lip. "Drats!" She quickly looked down at the bar of soap. A plan began to formulate in her brain. She placed her hands on her hips, swaying softly.

"Well...I'm waiting for the thought..." The cat sat down, grabbing his map again.

Suddenly the female grabbed the plush cat and booted him from the wagon. She smiled with pure delight as he landed on the dusty train behind her. "I'll use this to get all the men I want and you won't stop me." She giggled happily.

The cat growled and stood up, dusting himself off. His dark eyes watched as the wagon continued along the trail. "Well good luck with that!" He yelled to her, shaking his tiny plush fist. "I'm going home anyways!" He turned away and marched down in the opposite direction the wagon had went.

Later that day, as people walked through the city, an unusual smell grabbed their attention. It was a mixture of sweet and clean. People, even men, were drawn to the heavenly smell. They all gathered in the center of the town to watch the gypsy dance, the arouma following her wherever her hips swayed.

From that day onward, soap had been invented by the most unkempt women alive, a gypsy. Not a plush cat, but a gypsy.

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becca
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PostSubject: Re: The Gypsy, the Plush Cat and the Bar of Dove Soap   Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:32 am

I really liked your use of dialogue. I also like how you put together the three nouns very creatively. Good job.
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PostSubject: Re: The Gypsy, the Plush Cat and the Bar of Dove Soap   Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:34 pm

Very creative, I totally didn't see where that was going until right at the end. My only real suggestion would be to maybe vary up some of the vocabulary. Most of it's fine, but the cat, for example, is only ever refered to as 'he', 'the cat', or 'plush cat'. What about 'feline' or even 'intruder' or 'stranger'? The gypsy too is is only ever 'the gyspy', or 'the female'.
Points though for varying the diologue, 'cause that's usually the big one. Gotta hate it when everyone in a story 'says' everything.
Oh, and of course, there should be more commas. I always think there should be more commas. There can never be too many commas. (No points for guessing my favourite punctuation mark)
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